Monday, March 3, 2014


          When I was growing up I wasn't concerned about who I was or what it meant to be me, or why I did the things I did. I was a kid. I ate, slept, did chores, went to school, and played outdoors. I was a very physical person and the outdoors was my life. I did not spend too much time doing school work, and even though I had the intellect to excel in school, I couldn't put up with the rigor of school curriculum. I loved to read, with mystery and fiction being my favorites. My first book was Alice in Wonderland, given to me by my third grade teacher.

       My teenage years was a very confusing time, I acted a lot on emotion. I was raised to be a survivor and only thought about myself and what I had to do to survive. I was an awkward student with one or two friends in elementary school and high school was a nightmare; I was a ghost in the school hallways. I had to study hard to get half-decent grades and I didn't have any friends. I was not a confident person, I had low self-esteem, and I felt like I never fit in anywhere. I turned to drugs and alcohol to deal with my emotions and lack of social skills. That and loud music on my ghetto blaster was all that got me through those years.

          My young adult life was more of the same. After high school I didn't know what I wanted to do or where I wanted to go. I was lost. I had no concept of who I was or who I wanted to be. I had no direction or guidance and was easily led. I lacked the skills to make proper decisions and it negatively affected my life. I went from one place to the next, from one job to the next. I was unemployed one year then working or going to school the next year, trying to figure out what to do with my life. I studied several subjects then worked in the chosen field, but always got bored. I would give each job all I had, and when there was no more to learn I moved on to more interesting pursuits. I couldn't stick with one job and I couldn't stay in one place too long.

          Thinking there was something wrong with me I tried to "fix" myself by attempting to settle down. I got married at a very young age thinking that those feelings of being lost and not fitting in anywhere would go away, but they became worse. As the marriage progressed I became emotionally and mentally abused and thought that it was my fault. I developed an eating disorder. I didn't want another failure looming over me, and was afraid to leave. But after years of abuse, I sought out therapy and was made to realize that what was happening in the relationship wasn't my fault and with help I got out as soon as I could.  But I still didn't know who I was, what I wanted or where I was going. I had no purpose in my life. I had no goals, no dreams. I was a restless soul adrift on an endless sea, and I felt like I was drowning.

         After the divorce, there was a period of reflection, a time of peace, a time of renewal, an awakening of the soul. I was thirty years old and I had nothing to show for it. I was starting over again. But this time felt different. I had made mistakes, I had paid for them, and now I had a clean slate. So I did what I had always done, got up off the dirt, brushed myself off, and went on. I spent a lot of time at the library doing research on career choices and what jobs were in demand and went back to school. When I thought I could face the world again, after a year of learning something new, I entered therein.

          A new relationship developed, a lasting job, a child was born. Nothing I had ever done in my life gave me such a sense of purpose than having a child. My child made me a better person and gave me a whole new outlook on my life. I forgot about the past, forgot about trying to figure out who I was, and forgot about what I wanted to do with my life. I was a mother and everything else came second. Those restless feelings I felt were replaced by the demands of being a mom. I had no time to think about anything else and for that I was grateful.

          As time went on, my child grew up and became more and more independent. In June 2014 he will be graduating from elementary school. As early as September 2013 students had already registered and chosen their fields of study at high school. My son is a mature, responsible, and well-rounded individual; he gets himself showered and ready for school on his own, packs his own lunch, and organizes his homework. He spends time at the mall with his friends, he orders his own take-out on Saturday nights, and he feeds his pets. I will worry, but I know that he will adjust well to high school.

          One day, when I was feeling rather blue about the prospect of losing my son to high school, those old feelings of restlessness began to resurface. I hadn't worked outside the home in years and now that my son could practically take care of himself, it was time for me to find a day job. So, I rummaged through the back of my closet and found my old file box of self-help books, career choices handbooks, and psychology books thinking that it would help me decide what kind of work I wanted to do. There were old diaries/journals, psychology quizzes I had taken, and other similar things I had done during those times when I was trying to find myself. There was even poetry and short stories I had written about those dark times in my life.

          I took everything out of the box and placed it all in a semi-circle around me. As I was glancing and perusing file folders and books I had collected over the years I came across an astrology book that I had forgotten I had. It was an old one from the local library. (I immediately tried to add the late fees, but gave up, remembering that I wasn't very good at math.) I sat on the floor and flipped its smelly mildewed pages.

          The book was like any other astrology book, with one difference being that each sign of the zodiac had its own section, so you could flip to whichever sign you were and see its description. I was born on June 9, I am a Gemini. In the section was a neat and clear description of my sign and characteristics. It listed everything from my color and number to my relationship and career. It even had a little section on my future!

          I started from the beginning and this was what I read: I am a born communicator, with an opinion on any subject. I am devilish and angelic. I have a good mind, strong curiosity, and quicksilver reactions to people and situations. As a Gemini I am a masculine sign, made of mutable air. Masculine referring to my active side (probably why I love the outdoors and being active), mutable means I am adaptable (I moved around a lot!), and air gives me a mental orientation. (My mind never shuts down.)

          I am Dr. Jekyll and Ms. Hyde. (I used to think I was bipolar.) I can be in a good mood one moment and then the next be bad tempered, but not for long. I have a keen mind and a bright sense of humor. My life purpose is to learn all I can. (That's probably why I am always reading and learning new things.) I am a good storyteller, and am one of the zodiac's great thinkers with an open mind, and can easily relate.

          I have a childlike receptivity which keeps me active, responsive, and enthusiastic. I love to discover new past-times. I am restless and need meditation (I have been doing Yoga and using relaxation techniques for as long as I can remember-- I really did think I was bipolar.)

          Mercury, my planetary ruler, influences my looks, interests, personality, and love nature. Mercury affects me in these ways:
  • youthful looks (people do say that I look younger than my age)
  • mental alertness (my mind never shuts up)
  • enthusiasm for learning (I can't count how many subjects I have studied)
  • good with my hands (my cousin once told me there was "something" about my hands...)
  • loathe boring jobs (hey! that's why I can't seem to stay at one job too long)
  • impatience with slower minds (I do tend to finish others' sentences)
  • tendency to do two things at once (that is so me)
  • persuasive thinking ability (I thought I was a control-freak!)
             My admirable traits listed me as being: versatile, logical, communicative, Jill-of-all-trades, sociable, perceptive, resourceful, all of which I was, and more.

             My aggravating traits listed me as being: restless, impatient, devious, dualistic, and changeable. Restless!  Now I didn't see that one coming. Perhaps these were the reasons why I couldn't stay in one place too long, or stay at one job. And I have been accused of being two-faced, being good one time and evil the next.

          I continued reading until I was saturated in myself, in my nature, in my purpose. I learned about my good and bad sides, my outer self and inner self, and about my career. I learned about how and why I spent money (other than paying bills), I learned how I was with regard to family and friends, and what sign would be a good match. I learned about my domestic style, and things I needed to do to get rid of my restless energy. It was all there. Why I did the things I did and why I was the way I was.

          For instance, not everyone can appreciate my broad sense of humor, and it may come off as being callous sometimes, but then again, there are people who do appreciate my humor, because they are witty, just like me! And having an opinion on everything made me seem opinionated, like it was a bad thing. Being opinionated is just someone who doesn't stay quiet if they don't agree with something, and the only people who see it as a bad thing are those who don't like to hear opinionated people talk. Opinionated doesn't mean you are not polite.

          All of my life I had been thinking there was something wrong with me, I didn't like myself and I tried to be like other people, I tried to conform to what I thought was normal. I never fit in anywhere because I was, and still am, a non-conformist. I get bored with the status quo. That doesn't mean there's anything wrong with me. And instead of trying to hide my negative traits, I have to embrace them and accept them because they are a part of me.

          I read further and got to the section entitled Careers to Consider. When I saw the first career listed I felt like I was jolted by a bolt of lightning. I dropped the book and stood up. I was in the middle of a circle of stacks of papers, books, and journals, and it dawned on me, I had been inadvertently working at a career all along!  The first career listed was Writer. I was so dumbfounded at the epiphany that I just had I cried.

          Well, that day was a turning point in my life. I stayed up until the wee hours of the morning, contemplating my life, where I'd been, what I'd done, and how I'd been living. I realized that I hadn't been living my full potential, but now that I had some guide (nothing else worked), I was sure that I would get greater meaning and purpose in my life, other than being a mother and partner.  So, when I got up the next day I started a blog and posted the few little stories and articles that I had already written. I have plenty of ideas and hope that with every day my writing will improve and maybe, just maybe, I will have found an outlet for my restless nature and will settle down into a wonderful career of writing.

          I hope that my little story will encourage you to find your true self, if you haven't already, and help you to ponder your life and your direction. Thanks for reading.