Saturday, August 30, 2014


2011 came and things were becoming very tense between my partner and me. He became very ill, but refused to do anything about it. We argued all the time. We tried not to argue in front of our son, but that became increasingly impossible. 

By summer my benefits were cut off again. The lawyer wanted me to apply for CPP Disability. I filled out the application and sent it in, but was denied. An appeal was also denied.

When school was finally done for the summer I packed up my son and drove to New Brunswick to visit my brother.  I couldn’t stay in the city any longer. I couldn’t stay in that apartment any longer. I felt like I was going crazy. I had very little money and we had to stop frequently because I could only drive for so long before my left leg would go numb and the pain would start. Needless to say, it was a rough trip. 

We stayed at my brother’s place for two weeks, then drove to Nova Scotia to visit my cousin and her family, then after a week of rest there we moved on to Newfoundland. 

My son stayed with my partner’s parents and I stayed with my mother, however, that proved to be difficult since she was used to living alone and I felt like I was unwanted. After two weeks I packed up and stayed with relatives, here and there. I spent a lot of time alone. I would visit or call my son every day to see if he needed anything; he was fine, his cousin was with him and they got along great. He was enjoying his summer.

I was a mess. I didn’t want to go back to Brampton. I wanted to leave my partner and just stay where I was. I could get an apartment in the nearby town and my son could start school. I had no reason to go back. I couldn’t tolerate it anymore. Everything was going to hell. Our relationship was done. I was done with the city. I didn’t care about any settlement, I was sick and tired of going to physio, getting poked by doctors, and talking with psychologists who gave me only advice on how to relax and remain calm and made me fill out quizzes then compare the answers to charts in a book. Nobody knew how I really felt because nobody actually gave a damn. I had no one and I wasn’t dealing. I didn’t know how I had gotten from being content and happy to wanting to kill myself. It wasn’t just the accident, the pain, the law suit, the mental anguish, it was everything.

About a month later, I got an email from the lawyer’s office advising me of assessments that I had to go to in September. I made the decision to go back. Then my partner’s grandmother passed away and we stayed for the funeral. My partner had traveled by plane and a few days after the funeral we took the long journey back to Brampton.

I went to the assessments and my physio treatment plans were once again being accepted and paid for. My benefits were not reinstated. It was another tough year. We were broke from cheque to cheque with my partner gone all the time, which was a good thing because all we did was fight about his problem. Maybe that’s why he was always gone. It never occurred to me that there were other reasons.

School started, holidays came and went, a new year came in, spring came. A relative had started living with us and since he wanted his own room, instead of sleeping on our sofa, we decided to move back across town to a three bedroom apartment. However, that turned out to be a disaster since shortly after he returned to Newfoundland and left us with that extra rent to pay.

My partner and son went to Newfoundland. A week later my partner returned, my son stayed and traveled back a few weeks later with his cousin who wanted to visit. My partner and I worked through some stuff and we had an uneventful summer. We showed our niece a good time and she went home with lots of memories of good times and good laughs. 

Just before school started once again, I got a call from the lawyer’s office. They wanted me to go to discuss the case. When I got there the lawyer informed me that the case against the driver who hit me had been settled. I received a sum that didn’t come close to the wages I had lost, but the good news was that part of the law suit was over. That part was closed. 

I really didn’t know how to feel. I was happy for the money, but that didn’t take away my pain, the damage that had been done to my family, or the depression that I was still in. However, once I got the cheque, a feeling of security that I hadn’t felt in years, came over me so strong, that I had to sit down and take it all in.

January 2011 - August 2012